The Great Snow (Or Why I'm Moving to Kansas)

During Sunday's storm, Nicole, her brother Jeff, and I left Brookline to attend the Patriots game in Foxboro.


I left the apartment around 9:30 wearing camouflage snow pants and a red puffy jacket, looking like a giant M&M - Desert Storm edition. The new snow piled up, eight fresh inches on the previous ten, before the hail and freezing rain began. It was like walking on the surface of the moon, only if G-d hated the moon and was pelting it with rocks. A young woman dragged her tiny dog, four legs spread-eagle over the bump at the end of her driveway and tried to coax it to pee before the two of them froze to death. I reached the car and took the shovel from the trunk. I had a 25-pound bag of Sno-Melt and spread it evenly behind each tire, hoping that the salt would magically dry a path for me. But after 9 or 10 shovelfulls I realized that I was essentially trying to clear a jungle with a Swiss Army Knife, so I gave up and slung the salt bag over my shoulder and headed back home.


IMPORTANT LESSON # 1
It's a good idea to have a shovel and some salt in the trunk of your car...unless you don't keep a shovel at your house and you parked 1¼ miles away. In that particular case, it's really stupid actually.


It took nearly an hour to unearth Jeff's car with our gloved fists and shovel around the tires. He gunned the engine and Nicole and I beamed like proud parents as the car took off for a few feet before rocking to a slow death, perched upon a drift. Luckily, we were bailed out by the Town of Brookline DPW.


IMPORTANT LESSON #2
It's nice to help your brother-in-law dig his car out of the snow. It's even nicer if you wait until the g-ddamn plow comes, so you don't have to do it twice.


We still had 3 hours to make the 30 mile trek to Foxboro, so we figured it was worth making a go of it. Jeff brought all of our Patriots gear and Nicole carried a trash bag full of hats, gloves, and scarves. I brought a Red Bull and some Baked Cheetos in case we got stuck somewhere along the side of the road. Nicole thought I was an idiot and said I was unprepared. I told her that I certainly wasn't prepared to eat a glove. She thought that was stupid too. We agreed to stop at Wendy's to grab a quick lunch. Jeff and I ordered double cheeseburgers and received chicken sandwiches. Nicole ordered chicken nuggets and received a chicken sandwich.


IMPORTANT LESSON #3
Fast food drive-thrus are not typically staffed with dedicated scholars and humanitarians, but they're not dumb. If there's a blizzard and you're the only customer to come by in five hours, they know that a) you're probably stupid too and b) by the time you realize how much they've screwed you, you're probably not going to turn around and demand they fix it, especially when doing so would force you to make an illegal u-turn across three lanes of traffic during a hail storm.


We did not enjoy our chicken sandwiches. Lady luck was quick to shine in our direction, however, as we were able to make it to the game just in time for the end of the second quarter! It's true that the traffic was awful, but one cannot blame the Massachusetts State Police who had entrenched themselves at every corner, slumped over in the front seat and listening to radio, but obviously readying themselves to respond to any traffic issue that occurred some other day when it wasn't so cold and wet.

The Pats grinded one out, 20-10 and Nicole and I decided to take the train home so that Jeff could jump right on the highway and get back to Western Mass. We weren't sure how much time we had so we left with a couple of minutes left in the game, fearing that we wouldn't find a seat. After the game, the MBTA adhered to its famed Operators' Code, which mandates that they provide as little information as possible. When forced to communicate, all statements must be impossibly vague or contradictory. Nicole asked a kind young MBTA employee with a colored baton which train we should take.

"There's only one train," the woman replied.

"Yes but there's supposed to be two, one to Boston and one to Providence."

"I only see one train."

"And which way is it going?" Nicole tried to remain patient.

"To the left."

Obviously this woman was drunk on the power she wielded as Technical Assistant Direction-Pointer #3718 of the MBTA. We thanked her for her guidance, and plotted a move to Iowa where there are is no MBTA and no Mass State Police, only tractors, hay, and presidential candidates. On second thought, we're moving to Kansas.

Eric Gagne

HA HA HA HA!

I would just like to take a moment to congratulate the Milwaukee Brewers for signing Eric Gagne to a $10 million contract. Didn't he seem a little like Popeye without the spinach last year? Without the juice he lost his command, velocity, and presence, but at least he's still got that whimsical hair and that cute chin fuzz. Enjoy, Wisconsin.

Mo Vaughn

It seems that Mo has lived a double life over the years. On one hand, it has been documented that Vaughn gave of his time and money both during and after his playing career. He was charitable, sociable, etc. and it was this reputation, when coupled with his monster home runs and 'Hit Dog' plate presence, that made him a fan favorite. But by other accounts, he was irresponsible in his personal life, and now, a steroid user. I wouldn't say that it's the biggest shock of them all, given his large frame, the wear an tear he put on his body (especially with that awkward uppercut swing), and the pressure he faced to live up to his free agent contract in Anaheim and New York.

Best of 2007 - Music

So, I wanted to publish my own Best of 2007 list (even if nobody reads it) before I read everybody else's. After carefully considering the cadre of crappy candidates (alliteration at its worst) I realized that if there is one essential truth, its that this was a really poor year in music. In fact, only a couple of really noteworthy albums dropped in 2007. Here's a sampling of the few that were actually worth listening to.

1. In Rainbows - Radiohead
2. Spirit If - Broken Social Scene Presents: Kevin Drew
3. The Remainder - Fiest
4. American Gangster - Jay Z
5. The Stage Names - Okkervil River
6. Boxer - The National
7. Waiting for the Time to be Right - The Brother Kite
8. Let's Stay Friends - Les Savy Fav
9. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
10. Challenger - The New Pornographers

Honorable Mentions: New Moon - Elliott Smith; Fourteen Autumns & Fifteen Winters - The Twilight Sad; The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter - Josh Ritter; The Carnival Vol. II - Wyclef Jean; Our Ill Wills - Shout Out Louds; Writer's Block - Peter, Bjorn, & John; Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga - Spoon

Most Disappointing: Wincing the Night Away - The Shins

Fun w/ Copyright Infringement

Nicole got me a "Weekender" subscription to the New York Times for Christmas. I started receiving the Friday, Saturday, and Sunday papers this past week. In Sunday's edition, the New York Times Magazine ran its annual 'Year in Ideas' issue, which aside from being a good read, included this piece on the back page.

Actual Patents Granted in 2007 - Presumed Issues they Solve / Address


Diaper bag activity center - Diaper bag not a fun place
Locking case for tooth brush - Tooth brush routinely vandalized
Leakproof straw - Massive straw leakage
Golf ball lubricant - Dry golf balls
Necktie knot protector - Necktie knots defenseless
Saliva ejector - Must spit manually
Vacuum-cleaner grip - Vacuum cleaner always getting away from you
Combined toy bunny and hat - Bunny and hat two separate objects
Inflatable umbrella - Umbrellas never inflate
Camouflage tire - People can see your tires
Baseball bat with window - Inability to see through baseball bat
Clothing hanger adapted for personal use - Impersonal hangers
Wrist-Mounted floatation device - Epidemic of wrist drownings